Attraction, Cultural Expectations, and the Perils of Superficial Judgments in Dating

In the world of South Asian dating, attraction often trumps all. No matter how long someone’s checklist of must-haves—shared religious beliefs, dietary preferences, or compatible activity levels—those criteria are quickly discarded when faced with someone considered conventionally attractive or "out of their league."

As a matchmaker, I’ve seen it happen countless times. The pickiest individuals—especially men—who have specific expectations about age, career, or personality traits will abandon all these standards when presented with someone who’s stunningly beautiful. This isn’t just a quirk of human nature; it reflects deeper cultural and societal values, particularly within the South Asian community, where physical beauty is often seen as a status symbol.

But this behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It connects to a larger cultural phenomenon that extends beyond dating—how society, especially internet culture, values and objectifies individuals based on appearances, even in the most troubling contexts.

The "10 vs. 4" Problem

Let’s call it the “10 vs. 4” problem. Someone who considers themselves a "4" on the attractiveness scale will suddenly ignore mismatches in age, personality, or even religious values when faced with someone they perceive as a "10." They rationalize away every potential red flag—an unwillingness to have children, starkly different life goals, or clashing activity levels—because of the sheer allure of physical beauty.

This behavior is particularly common among South Asian men, reflecting a broader cultural attitude where a woman’s appearance often becomes a status symbol. The more attractive the partner, the more social validation they bring. It’s an unfortunate dynamic that not only places an unfair burden on women but also leads men to undervalue the qualities that make a relationship truly work—such as shared emotional intelligence and mutual respect.

Enter Luigi Mangione: A Case Study in Cultural Projection

The tendency to overlook deeper qualities in favor of surface-level appeal extends beyond dating into how South Asians perceive cultural “allies.” The recent case of Luigi Mangione is a bizarre yet revealing example.

After Luigi’s arrest for murder, a photo of him wearing a kurta-pajama at a South Asian wedding years earlier went viral. For many Indian Americans, this image triggered an unexpected sense of familiarity. Here was an Ivy League-educated, high-earning software engineer who appeared culturally fluent—someone who “got it.” His kurta-pajama, paired with his smile and sunglasses, became a symbol of someone who might seamlessly integrate into the South Asian community.

But let’s pause and consider why this photo struck such a chord. Was it simply because Luigi participated in a cultural moment? Or because his Ivy League credentials and affluent career aligned with traditional South Asian values of education and success?

This collective reaction mirrors how many singles approach dating. A superficial marker—be it beauty, cultural participation, or professional success—creates an illusion of compatibility. People are quick to assign positive traits based on appearances, overlooking the deeper qualities that truly matter.

The Danger of Superficial Judgments

The Luigi phenomenon underscores the risks of superficial judgment. Just as the South Asian community was quick to align him with their values based on a photo, singles often overvalue surface-level traits like beauty, wealth, or cultural gestures. They assume these attributes guarantee compatibility, only to find themselves blindsided by a lack of emotional or ideological alignment later.

In Luigi’s case, his image in traditional attire became a strange symbol of relatability, even as the serious accusations against him highlighted the gap between perception and reality. Similarly, in dating, the “perfect match” on paper or the exceptionally attractive partner often fails to meet the emotional and cultural needs required for a successful relationship.

True Crime and the Glamorization of Criminals

Luigi’s viral fame also speaks to the broader cultural impact of the true crime genre. Shows, podcasts, and documentaries have turned criminal cases into entertainment, often focusing on the perpetrators’ lives, motives, and, sometimes, their perceived attractiveness.

We’ve seen this pattern before with figures like Ted Bundy, whose appearance and charm became a disturbing point of fascination. Luigi’s case follows a similar trajectory, where internet culture objectifies and mythologizes him, turning him into a meme-worthy antihero rather than focusing on the gravity of his alleged crime.

For many, Luigi’s image in a kurta-pajama became symbolic of relatability and cultural fluency, even as the serious accusations against him raised critical questions about his character. This reaction mirrors how some singles approach dating—overvaluing surface-level traits like beauty or cultural gestures while ignoring deeper incompatibilities or red flags.

Lessons for South Asian Singles and Society at Large

So, what can we take away from this?

The photo shows the Ivy-league graduate wearing a bright orange coloured silk kurta with a shiny pajama. (X/demon_squid)

1. Attraction Shouldn’t Eclipse Compatibility
   In both dating and broader societal dynamics, physical attraction or cultural alignment is not enough. Sustaining relationships—or even understanding someone’s true character—requires looking beyond surface-level traits.

2. Be Mindful of the Halo Effect
   Whether in dating or reacting to a viral photo, it’s easy to assign positive qualities to someone simply because they look good or seem to “fit the part.” True compatibility or trustworthiness can’t be discerned from appearances alone.

3. Question the Impact of True Crime Culture
   The glorification of criminals in pop culture often reduces serious crimes to entertainment. This trivialization not only disrespects victims but also perpetuates the idea that charm or appearance can excuse harmful behavior.

4. Cultural Fluency Isn’t Depth
   Just as Luigi’s kurta-pajama photo struck a chord for its surface-level relatability, South Asians in the dating world often overvalue cultural gestures like speaking the language or attending religious events. True compatibility lies in shared values and long-term alignment, not performative participation.

Moving Forward

The Luigi Mangione story—and the South Asian community’s reaction to it—offers a cautionary tale about the dangers of prioritizing superficial traits. Whether it’s in dating or internet culture, we must resist the urge to elevate attractiveness or cultural familiarity above deeper, more meaningful qualities.

For South Asian singles, this means challenging the notion that beauty or status is enough. For society at large, it means critically examining how we engage with true crime and the stories we choose to amplify.

Because whether in love or in the headlines, substance will always outweigh style in the end.