When Love Becomes a Performance: What Kylie & Timothée Can Teach Us About Losing Ourselves in Relationships

Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet at Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals Charles Wenzelberg / New York Post

Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet pack on the PDA. Charles Wenzelberg / New York Post

This week, courtside cameras didn’t know where to look: the Knicks vs. Pacers game or Kylie Jenner and Timothée Chalamet wrapped up in a PDA fest, dressed in matching Knicks colors, with Kylie even joking that her sex life was tied to the team’s performance, channeling "Samantha Jones" from an early Sex and the City episode. It was all very extra—and very telling.

Let me be clear: I’m not against public displays of affection. It’s lovely when couples are affectionate, enthusiastic, and proud of their love. But when the gestures feel performative—like they’re for the audience instead of each other—it raises deeper questions, especially for those of us navigating relationships in an image-obsessed world where social media and celebrity culture often dictate what love "should" look like.

What I saw wasn’t just young love on display. I saw a woman—who has no real ties to New York or the Knicks—fully immersing herself in her partner’s identity. She wore the colors, made the jokes, and cheered like a superfan. It felt less like personal passion and more like strategic support. And it got me thinking:

How often do people lose themselves in relationships in order to keep them?

The Temptation to Merge

In every relationship, there’s a natural give and take. You try new things, you support their passions, you grow together. That’s beautiful. But for some—especially those with an anxious attachment style or low sense of self—this merging can become total. You don’t just support your partner’s interests; you adopt them as your own. You start to believe that the more you mirror them, the more lovable you’ll be.

This isn’t just a Hollywood thing. I see it in Desi dating dynamics all the time. I’ve had clients tell me they suddenly love EDM, start fasting for religious holidays they’ve never practiced, or find themselves Googling cricket rules at midnight just to keep up with their partner’s world.

“He Loves Cricket, So I Love Cricket… I Guess?”

From high school to shaadi, we’re conditioned—especially Desi women—to be accommodating, agreeable, and self-sacrificing. We’re taught to be “good girls,” which often translates into being chameleons in relationships. But the cost of constantly bending is that one day you look in the mirror and don’t know where you end and your partner begins. That loss of identity doesn’t just harm your self-esteem—it can also weaken the relationship in the long run.

This is especially common in early-stage relationships or when someone feels insecure about “locking it in.” It can show up as:

• Excessive PDA meant to show others how solid the relationship is

• Adopting all your partner’s hobbies, values, or beliefs

• Overcompensating in public to gain approval or favor

• Downplaying or hiding your own interests and opinions to avoid conflict

But here’s the truth: A partner who is truly right for you wants you to be YOU. They fell for who you were before you started dressing like their mirror image.

Culture, Boundaries & the Balance We Need

Image created by ChatGPT

As South Asians, our cultural context makes this even more complex. Many of us grew up seeing marriages where the lines between two people were blurred for the sake of the family unit. We internalized the idea that love means sacrifice—sometimes even self-erasure. And there certainly was no PDA! Most of our parents had arranged marriages, and the closest thing to intimacy we saw between them was mom having a hot buttered roti ready to go as dad was finishing the last one. They were married young so as they "grew up together" their interests and hobbies naturally aligned.

But this generation has the opportunity to rewrite that narrative. And we must. Because the stakes are too high when identity is lost in the name of love.

Healthy relationships honor individuality. They allow space for separate passions, different loyalties (yes, even when it comes to sports teams!), and personal growth. In fact, it’s your individuality that makes the relationship stronger. Couples that thrive long-term are those who grow both together and apart—who cheer each other on without needing to clone each other’s personalities.

So, What Can We Learn?

Watching Kylie become a Knicks fangirl overnight might just seem like celebrity fun. But for many of us, it’s a cautionary tale:

• Don’t perform love. Live it. If the affection isn’t authentic, it’s not sustainable. It’ll burn out faster than it started.

• Check in with yourself. Are you showing up as your full self, or are you showing up as who you think they want?

• Support is not self-abandonment. You can cheer for your partner without losing your own voice.

• Attraction is not validation. Being desired is wonderful—but being respected for who you are is real intimacy.

• Real connection happens when two whole people meet—not when one person erases themselves to fit into the other’s life.

To My Single South Asians: You don’t need to match outfits or mimic interests to make someone fall for you. Be curious, not codependent. Share your passions. Know your boundaries. Be willing to say, “That’s not my thing, but I love that you love it.” That kind of confidence? It’s magnetic.

Your real match will admire your authenticity more than your ability to imitate them. Let your individuality be the most attractive thing about you.

Let’s make sure our next relationship doesn’t turn into a performance, but a partnership.

Let’s discuss: Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship? Or felt pressure to become someone else to keep someone interested? Share your story in the comments or DM me on @singletoshaadi.